Life Is Big

Life is big. In fact, life is so big that I'm having trouble putting all the pieces together. This is a blessing in most ways – there's very little reason for me ever to be bored. The difficulty is in prioritizing, and in discerning where God's will is in that. So, being a compulsive list maker, I'm trying to break down the pieces of my life.

First there are the family responsibilities: school now, a job once I graduate. I hope for the job to tie in directly with doing God's work in the world somehow. Not in the sense of church ministry, but hopefully in some way of caring for creation and doing conservation work. But direct conservation work might also be a ways off, so I'm searching for discernment on what to do with the skills that I have and the job market I'm in. And also with how much of myself I have to adapt as far as dress codes and communication style – to what degree should I be myself and trust that there's a place out there for me, and to what degree should I try to play the game? Then there are household chores that need done. And visits with family, all of whom are out of state. Of course that ties in to relationships too, since my family and Steve's are made of wonderful people who are important to me.

Then there are the parts of my life that are about relationships. These are a source of joy to me also, but I think of them as separate because there's a sense that, even if a lot of what we do is have fun together, there's a connection being strengthened, a sense of fellowship and living in community. This has become a big chunk of my life, but that seems to make sense as I've gotten to know more people and found more kindred spirits. There's the time I spend with my husband, of course. And the time I spend with other people who are close to me. There's the D&D group, the game nights, the parties, meals and stuff with friends, church book club, and phone calls/emails/Facebook to help keep in touch with people I see less often. And a lot of the content looks frivolous, and perhaps is – board games aren't very important to the world (though I think they are good practice with thinking and learning and problem-solving), a nice meal is much more about pleasure than it is about keeping me alive – but in some ways the content is simply a background for forming and maintaining those bonds that make life meaningful in and of themselves.

Then there's the stuff I think of directly as doing God's work. There's conservation work – some of this I can do on a volunteer basis, like helping with prescribed burns and pulling invasive plants. But I still hope to do it in my career as well. And then there's the political engagement, trying to convince elected officials to make decisions that encompass the common good – my involvement has been emails and phone calls, but maybe there's more to do. On another note, I've agree to be a leader for part of my church's youth group, and I definitely see that as serving God. And then there are other, sort of one-time things that come up, often in church, that are worth helping out with. And all this church stuff ties in to relationships too, since the church is also a community. But then there's the question of making responsible consumer choices – trying to choose things that are made without harming the environment or exploiting workers, and trying to reuse and recycle and consider what I really need and not overconsume. But also not go crazy in the process, and have time left for the other parts of life. And then there are projects I could do to further that process – get rain barrels, get better at reclaiming graywater in the house in general, figure out how to make old shirts into grocery bags and find someone who can let me use their sewing machine to do it, plant a native garden, etc. I haven't done any of these things because getting enough time in one chunk is a challenge.

And I also need to keep myself alive and healthy if I'm going to be any good to anyone, so that means cooking (which gets into a lot of those attempts at responsible consumer choices), exercise – which can have a social aspect with racquetball or can be solitary, or can give me time to read on the elliptical, rest and sleep, and cleanliness and hygiene. And even then there are questions – yes, exercise is valuable, but is it more important to me to get the recommended amount of exercise or to do more to help others directly or spend time with people I care about? Sometimes I can do both at once, but not always. And sleep is clear enough, but rest sometimes means “wasting time” on the internet or whatever, which I think has some restorative value but can also turn into a distraction. Sometimes I feel able to focus and be really active and save the world, and sometimes it's a struggle just to be civil to the people I happen to encounter – there seems to be mental and social fatigue as well as physical, and how to handle those appropriately isn't as clear – is it self-indulgent to back off and take a break or is it wise stewardship of your own limited abilities? Undoubtedly it's sometimes one and sometimes the other, but how do you know?

And then there's spirituality – the worship and connection part of life with God, as opposed to the service part. (Not that they're truly in opposition, but there's a difference of focus). For me, Sunday worship is the most important part. But then I often struggle to stay connected during the week because of the ease of getting caught up in the week's activities, because I feel like I don't deserve closeness to God, because I'm confused about all the different ways I'm feeling pulled and don't know what God wants of me, because I get caught up in my own desires and cut myself off from God. I try to hang on, sometimes using the Daily Office, sometimes saying my prayers at bedtime, and sometimes exploring my questions with this blog (which then gets a relational aspect as people comment and share their ideas). I feel a powerful sense of wanting closeness with God and wanting the joy of God's presence, but I also know there can be a temptation to become what one of the previous clergy called a “sacristy rat,” involved in the trappings and beauty of worship but not going out into the world to do the work of serving God. So it's really important to have both, and again, the trick (which I don't have) is to find the right balance.

Finally, there are things in my life that are purely for my own joy. Is it okay that these are part of my life? Is taking time for them a reverent enjoyment of the good gifts of God, or is it a selfish distraction from the needs of a suffering world? I'm talking about things like reading (also ties into the relational with book club), my recent discovery of music, spending time outdoors (which can connect to exercise, and to conservation work, and to relationships with friends who also love the woods), baking (which again has a relational aspect since I like to share the products), movies and travel (relational because often shared with my husband), and knitting, which I haven't taken up in a long time, but which also has a relational aspect because I prefer to knit for other people. How do I balance these individual joys with all the work that needs to be done? How do I balance these often solitary pleasures with the time needed for maintaining relationships?

There's so much to do, and such limits on time, and also on physical, mental, and social energy, that I don't think it's possible to do everything I value. I truly believe that the best path is whatever God wills for me, but I don't know how to figure that out. How do I tell God's voice from the voice of my own desire? How can I trust myself to hear if the direction God is calling me might not be what I would choose?

“Direct us, O Lord, in all our doings with your most gracious favor, and further us with your continual help; that in all our works begun, continued, and ended in you, we may glorify your holy Name, and finally, by your mercy, obtain everlasting life; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.”