As I write and prepare to defend my thesis, I'm also beginning my job search. What I really want to do is work in conservation, and specifically in preserving biodiversity. I really like species and I want to keep all of them. Ecology jobs are relatively scarce, though, especially since I'm committed to staying put geographically. So I'm open to really anything that uses my skills to do good in the world, or at least not to do harm. Having to look for a job is kind of scary – always has been, likely always will be. I don't know how long it'll take, I don't know if my efforts are enough. I'm confident in my abilities, but I don't know if I'm good enough at “playing the game” to make it through the door. I find myself wanting to take comfort by approaching the job hunt from a perspective of faith, trusting that God will put me where God wants me to be, but I'm not entirely sure of the validity of that approach.
On one hand, Jesus does seem to encourage a lack of anxiety about temporal matters. God feeds the sparrows and clothes the lilies of the field – won't He do the same for us? God knows what we need. Our focus should be on doing God's will, and the rest will fall into place. Except that the evidence of the world around me seems to show that that's not necessarily the case. People do starve to death. People do find themselves unemployed for long periods of time with families to support. People do end up having to choose between food and medicine. And people do wind up in jobs that pay the bills but do nothing for the spirit or for the common good. Surely this isn't what God wills for His people. And I'm sure that there are people in those situations who are praying and seeking and trying to find God's will and willing to work hard. Of course human free will has a lot to do with these problems, but that doesn't change the indication that maybe one can't count on God to see that God's will is done in the context of my individual career. And I'm already very lucky in that I'm far from being in any danger of starving or of not having my basic needs met.
There's also the fact that there are plenty of stories where God's will for the individual was patently not what the person would have chosen for themselves. At the very heart of Christianity, there's the fact that being crucified was not in Jesus' personal best interest. Then there was Stephen being stoned to death, Peter crucified upside down, and I don't remember what finally happened to Paul but I do remember a whole list of imprisonments and shipwrecks. St. Teresa of Avila, though dealing with less lethal struggles, told God flat-out “If this is how You treat Your friends, no wonder You have so few.” Again, I don't think I'm likely to be called to martyrdom (though of course one never knows), and I certainly don't expect my job search to become life-threatening. But the point remains that what God wants of me might not at all be what I want for myself. Should that be the case, I have to go with the assumption that God is right, that God has a wider perspective, and that although God's service might involve suffering, God surely doesn't use His beloved children simply as means to an end.
Jesus also left his disciples with peace “not as the world gives.” This makes me think that there's such a thing as peace “as the world gives.” I imagine that sort of peace as being the kind of contentment one feels when everything is going right, when the way ahead is clear, when life feels certain. And I don't think that that's a bad thing. Those moments are gifts from God to be treasured with gratitude. But that state of mind is also pretty fragile. Life is rarely certain, often confusing, and rife with problems large and small. One of the things I've slowly been coming to terms with is that being an adult doesn't mean having it all together and knowing what to do in every situation. So I think of the peace “not as the world gives” as being rooted in faith that God can hold it all together. Even though there's terrible suffering in the world. Even though human free will continually opposes God's love. In one of Andrew Greeley's novels, I first read the proverb “God draws straight with crooked lines.” I love that image, that all the crooked lines we humans come up with will be relentlessly incorporated into God's ultimate purpose because God is just that powerful and creative. And during those all too frequent times when it's unclear how God's purpose is going to play out, we can still cling to the fact that God is with us and we don't have to face our struggles and uncertainty alone.
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